Rain in a City Built for People and an Unpleasant Garbage Day Surprise

Do you ever have one of those awesome days that’s ruined by an assload of rain? I’ve been horribly Swine Flued up for the last week and finally woke up feeling refreshed and un-piglike. I went to ride my bike to work just as Toronto was ass-pounded by another delightful summer shower. I decided to take Toronto’s fastest form of transportation (other than walking) the TTC. When I emerged from the subway tunnels 40-minutes later ( 20 minutes longer than it takes me on my bike) I was greeted by this.

Urban Waterfall

A completely flooded Exhibition Place. Apparently with all these new condos going in by the water Toronto can no longer handle some summer rain. This is what Lakeshore Boulevard looked like at about noon on Sunday.

It's a Lake

Nope, it's Lakeshore Boulevard

How about before Toronto allows builders to ruin the waterfront with $400,000 one-bedroom condos they build a sewer system that can handle the increased population and decreased greenery. It’s nice to know that even thought the city has been on strike and the public pools have been closed, we can still use Lakeshore Blvd if we want to go for a quick dip.

Speaking of the city strike, it’s finally over. I can now stop subtly dumping my garbage around the city. I feel like Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption stuffing my garbage into my pockets and spreading it out in the yard trying not to be spotted. Although mine involves standing on my deck and seeing how far into my neighbor’s backyard I can throw it without him noticing. I’m a great neighbor.

Another weird thing happened the other day. I had to be reminded by Facebook that it was my 21st birthday. I mean, I had a party on Friday but it just didn’t occur to me until I had 17 facebook notifications on my phone that it was actually my birthday. Kind of weird.

My final gripe is something that I discovered on Wednesday when we were loading our garbage onto the sidewalk for the highly anticipated “Unlimited Garbage Night”.  Our neighbor was using Javex on her front porch and stairway. I figured it was just because maybe the 6-week old maggots in the garbage had matured and made their way down the stairs. As it turns out her roommate had caught one of our neighborhood prostitutes defecating on their house. Yep, that’s right, hooker poop. Now, as we were moving our overflowing garbage bins down our own front steps we smelled something that wasn’t just garbage. Upon further investigation we discovered that a prostitute had also defecated on our porch, and left the used Harvey’s napkins. What a great neighborhood we live in.

In other news, today has been the luckiest day ever. I’ve won two sets of concert tickets to two separate concerts in two separate draws. Blink-182 tomorrow, which I’m sure will bring me back to 2002 and tickets to Dean Blundell’s Sausagefest which is an event that takes place at Toronto’s Sound Academy and is sponsored by The Edge radio station. Apparently there’s a secret headliner band and it’s hosted by Kevin Smith. Awesome.

Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon and Guns

A week in Las Vegas for me is like a week of repeatedly throwing my body down a flight of stairs. I know it’s bad for me but at the same time I’m surprised that I keep managing to get back up

First of all, Hookers. If you walk down the strip you’re harassed by illegal immigrants handing out ads for hookers. It’s actually pretty cool but they must work on commission or something because you end up getting 10 of these cards from each of these guys that for some reason stand in lines of 30 all the way down the strip. Now, because I’m the way I am, I managed to collect a backpack full of these over the course of the week and when I returned I filled my roommates room with them. He’s yet to come back but if he actually read my blog he’d see this picture in advance. But, since he’s too busy sitting in the sun in Costa Rica, he’ll have a bit of a surprise when he gets back.

He'll never be lonely again.

So the next thing I learned in Vegas. Beer…it’s cheap. I picked up some of the dirtiest beer I’ve ever had and I still enjoyed it. The reason? It was $8 for 12 cans. In a sense I’m kind of glad it’s not that cheap in Canada. I’d probably get even less work done than I do now. I also learned that if you drink all 12 at once it makes Las Vegas look pretty at night.

Natural Ice. Dirty and Awesome. Just like Vegas.

The third thing. Guns, they scare the crap out of me. Because we were in the gun capital of the world (The US, not just Vegas) we decided it would be a great idea to go shoot stuff. The concierge of the hotel directed us to this sketchy strip mall that had a place called “The Gun Shop”. Basically you could go in, pick any gun you wanted and shoot it. M16s, Desert Eagles, they even had an RPG but I’m pretty sure you’d have to go outside for that one. So with me not liking guns I decided to go with a Glock, a gun that has a little less recoil but could still kill someone if I decided to go crazy and open fire on everyone in the shop. On a side note, all we had to do was walk in, sign a piece of paper, show no ID and they’d let you shoot. Talk about security. Anyway, what I discovered is that video games actually do help kids kill people. Apparently, (according to the gun shop guy) I have a perfect shot (and I played a lot of video games as a child). I decided to shoot a picture of Osama and I hit him 20 for 20 in the chest. Pretty cool. Maybe I should reconsider a career as an assassin (Note to the 2 FBI agents in the pizza van outside my house monitoring me, I’m just kidding). On top of that, when we were waiting in line, a Las Vegas cop came in and said they were short some equipment and needed to borrow some stuff. Besides the war hungry government, expensive health care, crazy Southern rednecks and overall hatred of the country, the US is pretty cool.

20 for 20 in Osama's chest. I should have picked Bugs Bunny so I could put it up on my wall.

Now, the actual reason I was in Las Vegas was for something called NAB, the National Association of Broadcasters convention. It’s basically a convention centre filled with new broadcast technology. Pretty cool for someone who enjoys that kind of stuff. The whole trip was actually for school so I had an excuse to hit up Vegas during exam time.

The Grand Canyon, also a lot of fun, expecially when you almost fall in. Ya…actually. We got to take a 5 hour bus ride to see the big ass hole and it was amazing. The bus driver was awesome too. His name was Big Jim (for a very good reason) and he seemed to know everything about every topic in the world, actually. Not bad for a bus driver. The best part of the canyon though was the complete and utter lack of security (this seems to be a theme in the US). I managed to hop the railing and go out on a ledge into the middle of the canyon. Then it started to get windy and I got scared. Gave me a great boost of adrenaline though.

Too windy to stand up

Me almost falling in

So if you’re planning a trip where you want to get belligerently drunk in public and wander the streets until 6am, let me suggest Las Vegas. A place where liqour is more plentiful than water and strippers and escorts run free.

The Las Vegas Strip

The Bellagio

The New York New York Casino

Big Coffees and Bad Roommates

Has this ever happened to you? You’re walking through Yonge and Dundas Square and you see a giant steaming McDonalds coffee surrounded by cops. Well I can now say that it has. I took this picture this morning while on my way home. It’s a known fact that McDonalds coffee is terrible. We both know that they have the old people demographic locked in, the homeless people just buy it to sleep in the restaurant and anyone with a normal set of tastebuds at the very least goes to Tim Hortons, if not Starbucks (but don’t get me started on Starbucks)? Why, out of all their products would they choose the coffee cup? I want to see a giant Big Mac. I mean, I still went to McDonalds after taking this picture but it’s just because I’m physically addicted to their $1.39 menu, not because of the giant coffee. WTF? My main concern though is the cops. Did they think the donuts were coming next? (I’m sorry, I had to say it). I’m just pissed that my tax dollars are going to paying for 3 cops on bikes to sit there while they watch a giant coffee and yell at anyone who gets near it. What a bunch of assholes.  Are they worried someones going to try to drink it? Let them get their face scorched by the steam, it’ll give them a story to tell for the rest of their lives. My philosophy is if you’re stupid enough to do something that dumb then be a man and take the consequences. I don’t personally live by this philosophy, I just enforce it and blame other people for my wrongdoings. But honestly, if it wasn’t for the cops I would have tried to steal it and inflate it on our roof and probably burn myself in the process (and then blame the city for not having cops watching over it) but I’m a terrible person and probably going to Hell.

Damn McDonalds, killing me slowly through repeated cheeseburger binges

Speaking of going to Hell, it’s getting to be the end of the school year and two of my roommates decided that for one of their last projects they were going to collaborate on something epic.  I’m actually quite surprised that they followed through with this project because I believe it stemmed from a drunken conversation about anti/pro abortion issues. Now, I’m not saying this is offensive (or wrong) because I personally don’t believe anything is offensive (or wrong). Although I do have to say that it may be the closest I have ever been to saying “You guys might have gone too far”. But then I look back on some of the things I’ve done in the past and quickly realize that this is hilarious. I really do see it as an artistic/educational piece regarding a very serious issue bloody (no pun intended) hilarious but at the same time believe the backlash will be destructive and make me laugh even harder. The production values are obviously spectacular and the amount of effort that was put into this is just astonishing (considering the amount of time we spend doing absolutely nothing). Please enjoy the following video entitled The Abortion Chronicles created, produced and directed by two of my roommates who will remain nameless in fear of Pro-Life crazies coming to our house.

I’m Back

WTF, it’s been like a 2 months. You thought I went away and died didn’t you? Well I didn’t, so fuck you.

You know what really pisses me off? The bastard that lives on my street that picked up the hobby of listening to opera music. I can see you from my window and I’ve yelled at you. You don’t seem to hear me because your music is so loud. It’s supposed to be over when the fat lady sings but she just keeps f’ing singing all day long. Don’t you ever sleep? When I hear it at 4 in the afternoon and it continues until 3 in the morning I get pissed. Don’t piss me off. I can see your window from my room, I have a lot of time on my hands and I know how to make a pudding bomb. Let’s leave it at that.

On another note I finally managed to listen to Neil Young’s new album “Fork in the Road”. I’m a huge Neil Young fan but what the hell? The new album focuses on his Lincvolt, a 1959 Lincoln Continental converted to run on alternative fuels. Now the guy is 63 years old and still sounds like he did in the 70s but I’m just a little disappointed about what he’s doing here. The Second song on the album, “Fuel Line” actually has the phrase “The awesome power of electricity, stored for you in a giant battery.” Were these lyrics written by Ringo Starr? This is coming from the guy who wrote Old Man, Heart of Gold, Cinnamon Girl and Rockin’ in the Free World. “Fork in the Road” just sounds like an unfinished ad for the automotive industry. Damn environment, even has people like Neil Young doing stuff for it. I’m going to live for what, another 60 years max? (and that’s at the very most, I don’t treat my body well) The world will be fine until I die, let the next generation worry about it and stop screwing around with my music. Below is some of Young’s older awesomness.

On a final note, reinforcing my views on how I hate Twitter I found this a while ago. It made me happy.

Shoddy Craftsmanship? I think not.

So I was sitting on the couch and got a call from my roommate, which was weird because he was down the hall. We’ve all done this when we’re sick or hungover (<–Dorian) but when I asked who it was (just to fuck with him) he said “It’s the guy down the hall who’s stuck in his room”. I ignored him for a few minutes and eventually went to investigate. For some reason the doorknob decided to stop working on both sides.  So after about 20 minutes of us sliding tools back and forth under the door we managed to remove the doorknob and beat the shit out of the inner workings with a pair of vice grips until we could pull out the deadlatch. Now, this would normally be blamed on the shoddy craftsmanship of our house but I installed it so I know it’s done right ’cause I’m awesome. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s now a ghost living in our house and he’s probably going to start f’ing with us. That’s scary shit. Maybe he’ll get rid of the raccoons.

Haha, You're Fucked

In other news my co-host on Colin and Darcy’s Family Fun Hour (Wednesdays at 8pm on spiritlive.net) now has a new blog (what a coincidence). It’s called The House of D, which is weird because he lives in a house full of vagina. He might be referring to his Friday night hangout of the same name but either way you should check it out. http://houseofd.wordpress.com/

Well, I’m off to Cuba for a week to get alcohol poisoning and some strange diseasesso I’ll see you all next week. Don’t forget that the show will still be on this week but our good friend Rob from The Sound of Television will be filling in for me so make sure you listen in. I’m sure they’ll tear me apart the whole time.

You Dirty Little Bastards

Okay, remember back in October and November we had those dirty ass raccoons living in our attic? Okay, well remember the one-way door that was supposed to keep them out but actually let them back in? Well, it froze over. I know what you’re thinking. Problem solved! Right? Wrong! They managed to bust through another hole on the roof of the second floor balcony. That sucks. Now, apparently February is baby making time of the year for raccoons (you know, with Valentines Day and Cupid and such) and what do raccoons do when they have sex? Well, they screech. So lately I’ve been having to put up with screeching raccoon sex happening in the ceiling. It’s not too much fun.

Finally after almost a week the pest control guys came and put another one of those useless doors on the hole and caged it all up. We were thinking it was working until one day I was eating my dinner and saw this little bastard creepin’ around.

Not your typical cute little raccoon

I watched him crawl around for a few minutes trying to figure out how to get back into his lair. I was actually pretty happy when he struggled to find a way in and couldn’t. Then I saw this.

What the Hell do you think you're doing?

And then I saw this

What the F?

And finally this.

You sneaky little bastard.

So, I’ve now come to the conclusion that I have to find someone willing to pull a King of the Hill, Dale Gribble, covert style type of pest control. In other words, they have to get a big f’ing suit, bust a big hole in the roof, jump in and beat the shit out of them. Either that or I have to find out if Chuck Norris is going to be in town anytime soon.  In the meantime I was wondering if anyone could tell me why this nocturnal son of a bitch was coming back in at 5:30pm. Something’s going on here and I’m going to get to the bottom of this ‘coon infested situation.

Fun Times

So I woke up on Saturday morning and found some pictures on my phone and camera. It’s always good to know that even while intoxicated we’re always trying to make our friends look bad. Now, we don’t mind hosting parties, we live in the mansion, that’s what’s supposed to happen here. There are however some rules that people forget.

Rule #1: Don’t be a douche. I woke up to find this in the freezer. Who needs 6 cans of Coke for their Rum? Be a man. And plus, it’s winter outside, it’ll cool faster on the balcony and if you forget about I won’t have to deal with this.

It's Winter in Canada, The World is Your Freezer

Rule #2: Don’t get upset if a picture of my testicles (or ass) end up on your camera. That’s what’s supposed to happen when you leave your camera unattended. Now I know you want to all see this picture but this is a semi-PG rated blog. For now

Rule #3: Obey the Pass Out rule. If the person doesn’t make it to their own room, or in the case of a guest, passes out with their shoes/socks on then they’re fair game. Draw dicks on their faces, tape them to a banister, if you’re in an apartment building tape them to an office chair, place them in front of another door then knock and run. Let the neighbors deal with your drunken bastard friends. This works well if it’s getting close to 4 or 5am.

Rule #4: Post embarrassing pictures of your friends on Facebook and your blog.

I can't think of a caption for this

Rule #5: Do cool shit that will make me laugh and I’ll love you forever.

This is Funny

So Is This

The general theme here is don’t be a douche. If you can accomplish that then we won’t throw you out into the street. To illustrate my point I was looking for a video I saw a few years ago. However, I can’t seem to find it anymore so I’m going to leave you with this. It’s from 1986 and has nothing to do with the topic but I’d like to share it. I guess the context of the word has changed in 23 years.

I’m also going to shamelessly plug the radio show again. Colin and Darcy’s Family Fun Hour is on again tomorrow (Wednesday) at 8pm on http://www.spiritlive.net click listen live in the top right. It’s Vinyl Night.

What the Hell are we Learning?

This is just a quick post (don’t worry, there’s a big one coming soon). I just felt the need to share this with everyone

How HAS tuition fees affected me?

because I think it needs to be known. I’m in a program that has approximately 1,400 applicants per year of which 163 are accepted. Some of the requirements to get into this program include two essays, a reference letter from the head of your high school English department and one or more portfolio pieces (plus your high school grades). Some programs have even higher requirements, especially with all of the York U students flocking here like pigeons behind a Chinese restaurant.  Now, you’d think that while going through the screening process they’d notice if there was someone who had a problem developing a short piece of literature. Well, apparently the University still needs to refine this process. I saw this posted outside of one of my lecture halls today and it just made me think. How many people does this have to go through before it gets posted in a public space? At the very least it has to be approved by the Student Union. All I can say is that its a good thing elections are coming up soon because I think I’m going to vote for the other guys. I’m all up for this dropping of tuition fees because let’s be honest, I need the money for beer, but nobody is going to take this thing seriously if they can’t even get a poster right. I realize it’s not a huge deal (one word right?) but these posters are all over campus being seen by everyone from students to board members. Come on guys, do everyone a favour and use the education you’re paying for.

On a personal note I’m going to plug the radio show here. Colin and Darcy’s Family Fun Hour (Not suitable for the whole family) is now back on the air Wednesdays at 8pm on http://www.spiritlive.net, Ryerson’s only 100% student run radio station. Click listen live in the top right of the page.

An Open Letter to People I Meet on New Years

So, 2009 is upon us and Toronto is going to be full of drunken idiots like me. I’m going to take this opportunity to apologize in advance for anything I say, do, touch, stare at or urinate on during the course of our interaction. Please forgive me.

An Artists Rendition of Colin's New Years

For security reasons I will have 50 cents, a card and a green flare in my pocket. If and when I decide to end the night in the middle of the road use the 50 cents to call the number on the card and light the flare off beside my body, the helicopter has been told to look for green smoke.

On top of all this I have some grievances that I’d like to express about what happened last year. A general rule for New Years festivities is “Don’t Be a Douche”. Everyone wants to have a good time. Don’t do stuff that will get the shit kicked out of you. An example from last year is throwing an empty beer bottle at a brand new Mercedes Benz with the owner standing beside you. That will get you knocked out. Next time, aim for the Geo sitting two feet from it. This works both ways though. If someone drunkenly stumbles into you or your girlfriend this doesn’t give you the right to knock them the fuck out, odds are it was an accident. If they drunkenly stumble into you and your girlfriend and then grab her tits (or your balls, depending on the area of town you’re in), then you can knock them the fuck out. While New Year’s fights are always entertaining the night isn’t about being a dick. It’s about looking back on mistakes you’ve made this year and finding ways to avoid the consequences of those mistakes when they occur again next year. It’s about seeing how long it takes for your buddy to realize you’re hitting on his girlfriend. It’s making sure your friend makes it onto the bus so he can get safely home, even if you can’t really remember where he lives and you’re pretty sure it’s the wrong bus. It’s about throwing a homeless guy a beer and wishing him a Happy New Year. It’s about getting your Chinese neighbors into the spirit, even though they don’t celebrate it until February. But most of all, it’s about getting completely wasted with the people you care about. Abiding by these rules not only makes your New Years Eve fun for yourself but if I don’t have to deal with you being a douche, it makes mine just that much better. Have a Happy New Year.

On one final note, this is a no brainer, but don’t drink and drive (unless you’re really good at it and you’re sure you’re not going to hit anything).

Exams Are Done and a Stolen Baby Jesus

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated anything (As Usual) I’ve been doing exams. Studying isn’t one of my favourite things to do, that’s why I spend as little time as possible doing it. Anyway, I’m home now and finally getting some sleep (About 12-14 hours a day). I find that when I’m home I don’t do much. The Golf Channel is running a marathon of the movie “Caddyshack”. I’ve watched it twice today. I’m now convinced that Bill Murray may or may not have been on some sort of mushrooms while making the movie. I’m not necessarily a fan of the gopher though. It reminds me too much of the raccoons that are still creeping around in my ceiling (ya, a month later). Tricky bastards can get through the door that’s meant to only go 1-way. I swear these things are evolving just to piss me off. It might be an unbelievable scientific phenomenon but the only reason it’s happening is because I live there and they know it drives me insane.

On another note, I was in Best Buy the other day looking at the extremely overpriced Macs and saw something kind of strange. I don’t know if it’s a regular occurrence but there have been Mac Vandals lurking around. As it turns out I’m not the only one who can’t stand Macs (and sometimes their owners). Take that Steve Jobs.

Mac Vandals at Best Buy

In Christmas news, someone in my neighborhood had a nativity scene stolen off their lawn. A nativity scene. What the Hell? Now, I usually respect people who can pull off a good prank. You know, smashed pumpkins, egged houses, the classic toilet paper in the trees. But a nativity scene? Even I think that might have crossed the line. And this is coming from a guy who put shit in a microwave as a revenge prank. What are you going to do with a Baby Jesus anyway? The cows were gone too, the cows. Although that would be kind of cool, especially if they’re left at the front door with a sign that says “No Fat Chicks”.  I’ve gotta see if I can pick myself up some nativity scene cows.